boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Oh god it's open bar.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Randomize
