I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I just pynch a tree in the face
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
