were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Girls should come with a carfax report
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
