genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
