it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
