Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
When are your genitals available?
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
