Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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