I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
This is my gift to your gina
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
