The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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