Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Randomize
