Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Umm I'm too high to move.
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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