Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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