I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
My underwear smells like fireworks.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
