***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
