Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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