I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
