happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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