Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
