The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Randomize
