Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Randomize
