Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
