things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
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