i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
