Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
