C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
