trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
All I want is dick and wine.
Randomize
