So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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