I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
