I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
