i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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