i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Randomize
