Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
