her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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