I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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