I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
