there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Randomize
