I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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