Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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