eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
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He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
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