I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
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