and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
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