Pappa wants mamma naked
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
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