Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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