I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
