Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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