Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
