Ambien. No doubt about it.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
They have beer where we have blood.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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