Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
