god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Randomize
