I'm gonna have a badass scar
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
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