So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Randomize
