i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Randomize
