Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
