At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
