Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
