she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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