I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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