i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
We just shotgunned beers for America
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
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