When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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