the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green