You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.